AA sessions and “Forever”s.

It was a beautiful day yesterday. I had to go outside. Everything was going just fine until I saw you there. You were there, with her.

I wanted to talk to you, face you, spat at you, anything…. But, I guess all those AA sessions didn’t tell me where to gain the courage to do that. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

I wanted to go home, take a swig of my whiskey, get wasted—like those days. I can’t do that either. You know how hard it is for me to break my promises. Maybe, that’s why I still held on to you even when you moved on. After all, we did promise “Forever“.

All that I’m good for, is my word. So, no way I’m going back to my old habits. I hid in the shade of the trees and peered out. You were so happy with her. Makes me wonder, was “we” ever there? Ugh! I hate reminiscing the past. Kids raced past me and I pulled my hood up and walked away. That’s the third thing I’m good at, second being hiding.

I couldn’t look at you or her. My ex-husband and my ex-best friend. I giggled so loud that the vendors looked pointedly at me. I laughed at that. Wow, I was laughing now.

Next stop, my favorite cafe. Coffee helps. Now that I can’t go back to my alcoholic ways, I have to depend on coffee. Not as good as a shot of vodka, but still better than plain water.

Someday, I will be able to face you both. Look at your face without hostility and accept things for what they are. But, that’s definitely not today.

I went there on purpose. I knew you’d be there, like I know you’d read this. I want to tell you something. You are no longer the trigger. I’m getting over you. It’s been a month and half since I last look my shot. I’m getting better. I’m getting better not for you. For myself. I’m building myself up. And I’ll see you after I’m complete.

Yours nevermore,

Your sweet ex.

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